Being a Parent

So I’m about 4 days into the whole “being a parent’ thing and I’ve got a few thoughts I can steamroll out really quickly:

A. My baby is clearly the cutest baby that has ever or will ever be birthed. Sorry to all other parents out there. My kid wins.

B. Having a Mother In-Law around after having a baby is awesome. She takes the kid, tells us to go upstairs and take a nap. When we wake up, the baby is quietly sleeping, and hot lunch is waiting for us on the table. Awesome.

C. Breastfeeding is hard work y’all. It’s not so bad during the day. But talk about lousy when you have to wake up at 3:00 AM, breastfeed and diaper change for an hour, then go back to sleep. Or at least that’s what my wife tells me. I wouldn’t know because I’m sleeping.

D. Just kidding. Kung Pao gets a little fussy at night, so it’s my job to stay up with her and rock her to keep her calm and sleeping. No big deal. I just put on the old headphones and listen to a podcast while I rock (see what I did there? #euphemismWIN).

E. I don’t wanna brag, but I’m like Quick-Draw McGraw1 with the diaper changes (you know, in some alternate universe where Quick Draw would catch criminals by swiftly changing diapers).

1By the way, Quick Draw’s alternate personality “El Kabonger,” a masked horse who would hit criminals on the head with an acoustic guitar known as his “Kabonger,” is just begging for a parody featuring a dunce pothead who unwittingly fights crime by hitting people on the head with a bong, which could also be known as his “Kabonger.” If this parody has already been made, please let me know. If not, somebody please do it quickly.

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