Bikes Having Sex

A few months ago, Mel and I hung this fantastic illustration of some bikes in our kitchen. In case it’s not clear, the bike on the left features a traditionally female frame geometry, the bike on the right with a traditionally male geometry is mounting the bike on the left. The caption “Bike Love” solidifies that this is, in fact, an illustration of bikes having sex.

Apparently, there has been some confusion about whose idea it was to hang such a sexually explicit picture in our kitchen. This was brought to my attention during a conversation with a friend.

“My husband and I tried to imagine the conversation you must have had with Mel to get her to agree to hang that up in your kitchen,” she said.

“Oh really? What makes you think it was my idea?” I asked.

“Well, you know, you’re the one that’s into bikes, and it doesn’t seem like the kind of poster Mel would want to hang up,” she said.

I explained to her that that she had it all wrong. It was, in fact, entirely Mel’s idea to purchase and display this explicit poster in our home.

“Hey Mel,” I said later. “They think it was my idea to hang that poster up in the kitchen. Maybe you should set them straight.”

“Well.. I didn’t realize when I bought it… you know… what it meant,” she said. “I just thought it meant, you know, that we love bikes. I didn’t realize it was naughty until after we hung it up.”

“Naughty?” I said, raising an eyebrow. “It’s not naughty, it’s Celestial. What could be more divine than the eternal increase of bikes?”*

*In case it’s not clear, this is an incredibly witty and hilarious joke. Perhaps only Mormons will be able to fully appreciate the reference to the speculative ideas within Mormon thought that true heavenly glory is only achieved through the endless perpetuation of family and childbearing in heaven. These ideas, while firmly rooted in Mormonism’s history, have fallen out of favor with younger generations, and are rarely repeated in official church settings. Not surprisingly, jokes about “endless sex in heaven,” while not necessarily an accurate representation of church doctrines, are still somewhat common, although most are not as witty or funny as my own, and are usually accompanied by a joke from a woman who doesn’t find the idea of being “eternally pregnant” at all heavenly. In this particular instance, no such follow-up joke attempt was made, probably because it is absurd to suggest that bicycles become pregnant.

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