I Need a Lawyer!!!

Peeps.  I need your help.  I need an affordable lawyer FAST.  Turns out, I’m being sued.

I just received notice that the Minnesota Attorney General and the Minnesota Department of Natural Resources have filed suit against me.  The suit alleges that the extensive repairs I’ve been making to the exterior of my home lately have “resulted in a significant loss of habitat for several species of birds as well as squirrels.”  The suit alleges that I deliberately and maliciously destroyed the nesting grounds in an attempt to remove animals from the areas they have inhabited for several decades.

I spoke with someone from the Attorney General’s office this afternoon because I was certain that this couldn’t be the case.  It sounds too absurd to actually be happening to me.  But apparently there is some sort of squatters law for animals that allows wildlife to effectively claim an area as natural habitat if they are allowed to live there long enough.

The woman I spoke to assured me that they didn’t want to make a big deal out of it and that all charges against me will be dropped if I comply with a few simple requirements.  Primarily, she said I need to drill at least twelve 1″ diameter holes and two 3″ diameter holes somewhere on the fascia of my home.  These holes will allow animals to use the eaves and attic space in my home for nesting.

I am completely livid about this!  This is the most frustrating thing that has ever happened to me!  Someone, PLEASE!  Help me find a decent lawyer to fight this!!!

[Edit:10:40 PM – Please note that this post is for entertainment purposes only.  I’m no good at comedy….]

22 comments to I Need a Lawyer!!!

  • Did they contact you about this because of your posts about this here? Surely there isn't someone walking around looking for attics, etc., that are being renovated and thus removing habitat. This really sucks. I don't know of anyone that might be able to help. Sorry.

    You should countersue and ask them to provide statistical support for their use of "significant loss." If they can't prove it, the case should be thrown out, if only to teach them to use "substantial loss."

  • WTF? No…. that's crazy. 3 or 4 nests is a "significant loss of habitat". Wow, sounds like a slow day over there at the state AG office.

    But hey at least your house is a natural resource? That's cool right?

  • You have GOT to be kidding!!!! This is completely ridiculous! To require that you let critters live in your roof is the dumbest thing I've ever heard in my life. It's not like it's their natural habitat! I have an old college classmate who is an assistant Attorney General in MN, which pretty much means he wouldn't be able to help you since the stupid AG is one who is filing suit. Gosh, I hope you get this figured out!

  • Anonymous

    I'm in law school, and I've never heard of such a case.

    I think Andy Fackrell also went to law school.

    Also try http://notforthemonosyllabic.blogspot.com/ As I think she may be in your area and could possibly recommend a local attorney. (She's Mormon, too.)

    Also, are they "charges" or is this a civil suit?

    I think the media would have a FIELD DAY with this one- you should fight this. Maybe contact Glenn Beck over this, this type of lawsuit makes your state a laughing stock.

    Also, don't talk to any authorities about this any further. Your loose lips can jeopardize the outcome of your legal situation.

    You may consider talking to your local state representative in the legislature as well.

    Did they cite a code number for your supposed violation?

    Also, be mindful that your blog is probably being monitored (how else would they have known about this) and so you should not divulge proprietary information which could help the state's claims against you.

  • mfranti

    drill the holes, get them checked off by the city/state, and then cleverly cover them so no critter folk can move in.

    or, put up a couple bird houses around your yard. that should do it.

  • Anonymous

    Addendum to my last post: I only work with convicted murderers and sexual offenders in a appellate capacity for a public defender's office, and I can't give you [any] legal advice anyhow.

  • mfranti

    or you could mount one of these on the facia.

    http://outdoors.webshots.com/photo/1415761731010955454qqWTph

    srsly, did they give you any other options?

  • I'll represent you. I'll be happy to bullshit them better than you bullshitted us.

  • Anonymous

    do you have a nasty neighbor? how did they learn of your "infraction"?

  • Anonymous, who are you? obviously someone from the mission if you know Fackrell… and you know that I know Fackrell… fess up! make yourself known!

  • Reuben, without your attic, the squirrels in Minnesota have no home base. Duh.

    This is so ridiculous–and what a waste of time! Seriously, good luck. What a stressful situation!

  • Ren

    Better watch it, Reuben. Someone will take you at your kidding word and use your tale as justification for their anti-govt rants. doh!

  • Moly B Denum( mfranti)

    Ren has a good point that i didn't want to bring up in my earlier comments.

  • Sheesh. I am no good at comedy, folks. Sorry for the alarm. There is no lawsuit. I was just trying to kid to make fun of myself for having an attic full of birds nests. But this joke is going over about as well as when I was in high school and would call my mom at 1:00 AM from a friends house and say "Mom, I'm in jail. Can you come get me? (pause) Nah! Just kidding. Sorry I'm late. I'll be home in 15 min." Like I said, I'm no good at comedy.

  • hehe. I thought it was funny. Then again, I was in on the joke. Maybe if you had added in that the letter was signed by Rocky Bullwinkle, a few more of your readers might have caught on…

  • It seemed a little too outrageous to be real, but as I couldn't recall any similar sorts of "jokes" on your site, combined with the apparent desperate plea for assistance that included linking to this post from your facebook page, I took it as real. It's good to know that this was a joke, even if we all got played for fools.

  • @Ben – yea… I feel bad. I've seriously considered removing this post. I think this was a good comedic premise, but my execution was all wet. I wasn't nearly Onion-esqe enough here. Of course, I remember the first time my mom read The Onion & didn't realize it was fake. She was sooooo annoyed.

  • Ren

    I love that we have actual hard copy of The Onion in the Cities. I often read it at diners and bust out laughing.

  • I live across from a ravine that is technically part of a city park but totally ignored by the city. We have done extensive plantings: lilacs, blueberries, figs, roses, dahlias, rhubarb, wisteria, etc., and I expect any day now a some injunction or lawsuit that either tells me to stop, to remove these plantings or to pay for "damages" (the park is supposed to be native species only).

  • I always knew you were a bird-hater, you, bird-hater!

  • Rechtsanwalt Wien

    This is a very crazy case. Anyway, if you seriously need a lawyer, you can count on the web for that. There are also some people who would review the situation and find the right lawyer for you.