Peeps. I need your help. I need an affordable lawyer FAST. Turns out, I’m being sued.
I just received notice that the Minnesota Attorney General and the Minnesota Department of Natural Resources have filed suit against me. The suit alleges that the extensive repairs I’ve been making to the exterior of my home lately have “resulted in a significant loss of habitat for several species of birds as well as squirrels.” The suit alleges that I deliberately and maliciously destroyed the nesting grounds in an attempt to remove animals from the areas they have inhabited for several decades.
I spoke with someone from the Attorney General’s office this afternoon because I was certain that this couldn’t be the case. It sounds too absurd to actually be happening to me. But apparently there is some sort of squatters law for animals that allows wildlife to effectively claim an area as natural habitat if they are allowed to live there long enough.
The woman I spoke to assured me that they didn’t want to make a big deal out of it and that all charges against me will be dropped if I comply with a few simple requirements. Primarily, she said I need to drill at least twelve 1″ diameter holes and two 3″ diameter holes somewhere on the fascia of my home. These holes will allow animals to use the eaves and attic space in my home for nesting.
I am completely livid about this! This is the most frustrating thing that has ever happened to me! Someone, PLEASE! Help me find a decent lawyer to fight this!!!
[Edit:10:40 PM – Please note that this post is for entertainment purposes only. I’m no good at comedy….]