Internet Piracy

In the Fall of 1999, I moved from my hometown of Elko, NV, to Provo, UT, to begin my Freshman year at Brigham Young University, a church-owned school requiring all entering students to sign an Honor Code, committing themselves to prudery basic Christian principles.  Notwithstanding the commitment to honesty, the BYU dorms were a cesspool of perhaps the most pernicious of all evils: masturbation internet piracy (you want to click this link, trust me).

It was 1999, and Napster ruled the file-sharing universe!  Even the high moral standards of BYU students weren’t enough to dissuade us from engaging in illegal file-swapping.  We downloaded anything and everything we could get our hands on including music, movies, and expensive software.  My roommate even dubbed himself Sir Downloads-a-Lot.

I’ve done a lot of growing up since then, and while I certainly don’t claim to be innocent of all downloading infractions, it has been many years since I’ve downloaded any illegal software.  In fact, I thought my software piracy days were entirely behind me.  I even deleted some programs I had downloaded back in my undergrad days.

But then my mom called wanting me to help her purchase some software.  Initially, she thought that the $1,000 version of the program she wanted would meet her needs, but after some checking, I learned that nothing short of the full $3,500 version of the software would do everything she wanted.  That is a price she wasn’t willing to pay.

She gave me explicit directions not to do anything illegal, but when I told her that her options were 1) pay $3,500 or 2) acquire it illegally, she told me she still wanted the software, but dodged the question of whether she wanted option 1 or 2.  I told her I’d look into it, which means we reached a non-verbal agreement that I won’t tell her where I get the software and she won’t ask.

So I set off for the depths of the interwebs to illegally acquire software for my mother.  I learned quickly that my pirate skills are outdated.

AAArrrrgggghhh!  That be the end of this post, Mateys.

13 comments to Internet Piracy

  • I must admit I didn't read your entire post because I got distrac…mmm hot pirates.

  • hey- want to steal ME some software? I could use something that will let me hack into my husband's blog and replace all pictures of hot pirates with pictures of reubasaurs…

  • @Melanie – I will get started on that immediately. It will be my top priority.

  • Brianne

    i have some modern pirating skills if you need. lemme know.

  • Anonymous

    Get a legit version through work or a school discount. Microsoft products, for example, are often 1/10th the retail at a school if you're a student. Know any students in your ward, etc?

  • Matt Elggren

    Hot, Reuben. Very hot. And fact that you have a mother who needs $3000 software? That's geektastic!

    PS. you know at least one Microsoft employee. There's an option.

  • @Brianne – do your pirating skills look anything like the woman's in the photo?

    @Anonymous – I looked into that a little bit, but didn't think there would be much promise.

    @Matt – unfortunately, this is not a Microsoft product, or I'd definitely take advantage of an employee discount.

  • Hack Hack if you need to know talk to off this site or use open source

  • Wow, are you sure there's no freeware alternative?

  • @C.L. Hanson – Yes! There ARE freeware applications that would suit her needs quite well – as well as at least a dozen that can be legally purchased for a few hundred dollars. But she wants the industry standard version. It's the version she learned on and the only version she's familiar with.

  • @C.L. Hanson – I should add that using a different software would introduce some file type compatibility issues my mom would have to deal with. Issues easily dealt with if you have yet another freeware program to convert the files from one type to another, but still, not my mother's cup of tea.

  • but you are a fantastic writer.

  • @raina – "and rip her barely-there pirate panties right off"

    that was my first thought, too.