Klee Irwin, Colon Cleansing, or How I Became a Hippy

Melanie and I have embarked on a new journey together – one in which we have cleaner intestines. I’ve been watching colon cleansing infomercials for a while now – have you seen the one with that sketchy guy with the pony tailKlee Irwin? He totally should have hired someone else to be the face of his product. But then again, maybe it would just be a waste of money to pay someone charming to talk about poop for an hour. Stuff like this has always seemed like a dumb idea to me. But some friends of ours told us they were into cleansing, so we’re giving it a shot.
At any rate, we’re not taking any pills or anything, but Mel and I are going to be eating nothing but uncooked fruits and vegetables until Saturday morning. No salt, no dressings, just raw fruits & veggies. We’re also drinking nothing but water – no drinky* or soda. So if my blogging sounds a little grumpie for the next few days, it’s because I’m hungry and my extraordinary salt cravings are not being satiated.
I’ve already faced my first food trial – I accidentally put some black olives on my salad today. While I was eating, I kept thinking, “OMG OLIVES ARE SOOOOOOOOOO GOOD.” And then I realized it’s because olives are heavily salted – and the vast majority of heavily salted items are very tasty. So I had to pick the rest of the olives out of my undressed salad (a.k.a. unappealing pile of vegetables) to keep the salt away. I ate lunch less than an hour ago and I’m already starving again.
Also, I think I’ve consumed a full gallon of water so far this morning and I’m still thirsty.
But all this to obtain a cleaner colon. And who doesn’t want a cleaner colon, right? Have you ever known anyone in favor of dirtier colons? I have not.
So by the end of this week, Mel and I will either be dead (since salt is a required nutrient and all…) or we’ll be full-fledged hippies w/ cleaner colons. Or at least really hungry. Wish us luck. I’ll let you know how it goes.

*drinky – any koolaid-like beverage – i don’t know where this came from… ask my wife and her sister…

10 comments to Klee Irwin, Colon Cleansing, or How I Became a Hippy

  • Can't wait to hear the results, though not as explicitly as Klee Irwin describes there (please)…
    Also, I love olives.

  • Darcey – you love them because of the SALT!!!!!!!!!!!

  • Jo

    You guys should try green smoothies. Basically you just put some water, ice, a bunch of fruit and some leafy greens in a blender, and voila! As long as you don't put TOO much green stuff in, they're quite tasty.

  • Jo, i was with you 100% until you mentioned the leafy greens…
    (how do you make a barfy face emoticon?)

  • There's a place on my way home from church with a sign that reads, "Colonics by appointment only." It always makes me laugh.

  • Can you eat avocados and nuts (like almonds)? Sounds like cheating, but if the rules allow they might help you feel a little more full.

    I had to do a vegan diet for three days once in school. Turned into a largely almond/tofu/soymilk diet – the only foods that came close to satisfying my appetite. I love fruits and vegetables and generally eat more than my fair share, but can't live without bread and high protein foods!!! And salt, lots of salt! Good luck!!!!

  • I haven't watched the informercial, but the only thing I know about it is that you can lose a lot of fecal weight (at least that's what commercials I saw in Utah said). Other than that perk, what are the real benefits of this sort of thing? Won't your colon just fill back up with bad things if you start eating non-leafy vegetables?

  • Ben, as far as I understand it, Klee would argue that it took me 28 years to build up this much gunk in my intestines… maybe I can flush it out and then it will be 28 more years before I need to do it again… or something. Yea it fills back up, but hopefully not very quickly.

  • Jo

    You just put a little handful in. It's yummy! But if you'd rather eat your spinach or lettuce or whatever in an unadorned, non-yummy pile, that's your prerogative. :-p

  • Ren

    So, I'm late to this party but *had* to click on a "colon cleanse" label and see the posts.

    The infomercial is a riot. Totally shady looking and when he talks about seeing his daughter's giant crap, totally cracks me up.