Economic Stimulus Package

As many of you know, the federal gov’ment is currently planning an economic stimulus package to kick-start the economy. In early May, every American household will receive between $600 and $1200 (or something like that). The idea is that they will send me money, and I’ll spend it, helping the economy.

I tend to prefer programs that don’t involve government intervention. I think we, the American people, are smart enough to stimulate the economy on our own. I am proposing a similar program to the one the federal gov’ment has proposed.

First, every American sends me some money. This is a lot to ask, I know. Some will say, “I don’t have any extra money to send.” Well, then I guess you don’t love your country. Freedom isn’t free, buddy.

In return, I promise to spend all of the money people send me, stimulating the economy. I want to be fair, so I will track all the money I spend and make certain that all industries and regions receive the benefits of additional spending. I promise to buy many more automobiles than I really need to help Detroit. I promise to buy airplanes, plenty of oil, and many, many boats. I will hire many servants, helping to spread the wealth. I promise to travel around our nation, spending money equally in every area. I will stay in every hotel I can find and go shopping every day. Special treatment will be paid to out-of-the-way areas of the nation that others might forget – like Hawaii, all of the Florida Keys, even Puerto Rico. I will build many, many large homes, and fill them with expensive toys and new technological devices. I will buy anything I can find.

I promise all of this, my fellow Americans, because I care deeply for each of you. Please, if you love your children, send me your money so I can ensure them a healthy economy. Together, we can give our children a nation full of opportunities.


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