My Best Friend Maury

My best friend is Maury Povich. I’ll be damned if he and I don’t get together and waste hours at a time doing nothing useful. This morning he and I performed paternity tests for women who didn’t know who the father of their children was. One case in particular was notable. One lady approaced Maury and I with FOUR men who could possibly be the father of one of her children. We performed the DNA test, and determined that none of them was the father of her children. Can you believe it? Not one of the four men we tested was the father of her children. Hmmm….

Currently, maury and I are viewing “shocking videos” of traffic stops, robbery attempts, assaults, and other amazing stories. It’s an absolute riot. Two young gentlemen out fishing heard some strange noises coming from a piece of trash floating in the water. They thought they were saving a kitten trapped in a plastic bag when they pulled it ashore, but as they opened it, they found a young female human, less than a month old. Shocking!

Maury and I go way back. I’m so grateful for my best friend Maury. One of my favorite memories is the time we got together and beat the shit out of Montel Williams. Then we heckled Oprah, and shaved Geraldo’s mustache…. oh man. he was pissed about that mustache! Then he told me that he had a crush on Jenny Jones and I was like, “WHAT? THAT’S INSANE, MAURY!” Then he popped me one right on the chin and i was like, “oh. i guess i hadn’t thought of it like that before.”

Damn Straight. Next week we’re going to get together for some nachos, throw on the new John Legend album, and prank call Carnie Wilson.

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